Mea Culpa

I tend to like my hair tied back even when I'm beginning a binge.  It makes me feel like I'm being organized in my binge - from the start.  It also saves me from tying my hair back before the purge.  I really never eat without binging...makes life fatiguing.  I've been at it quite a bit as of late. I've definitely gained a few pounds...but I haven't touched the scale in 2 months and I refuse to start now.

I took Ritalin for the first time a few hours ago.  I didn't do all the necessary research that I did with Prozac...but from preliminary readings, it seems to be ok.  After all, they give this stuff to kids too...and I checked all the contraindications.  It is almost like a low form of Phentermine...and a helluva lot cheaper.  I've lost my appetite fifteen minutes after I popped it into my mouth with a slosh of Fanta.  I feel slightly queasy...maybe a food issue?  

I want to get in shape.  I want to be toned and feel tight...not just thin.  I want to play good tennis.  I want to fill my life with other dreams.  Ironically, though my binge-purges have been averaging 5 a day...I really haven't been thinking much about bulimia or thin culture.  I haven't been obsessing over waistlines of actresses or harassing myself about every half inch change in my waist.  I don't think hard about social events and needing to thin down or feel like shit.  I just go and chill.  

I've noticed some complexes I have and I am on a mission to fix them.  1.  Intellectual complex.  2.  Feminist complex  3.  Beauty complex

I think everyone wants to be the smartest, most beautiful, best dressed, etc.  But I guess I want it too much...and it's so transparent when I really think about it.  My intellectual complex is all about wanting to make sure others know that I'm really bright, cosmopolitan, and sophisticated.  It is not so bad that I try to slip in certain things...but subconsciously, I seem to reference any wordly thing I know or have experienced...showing off my education.  I think a lot of intellectuals have this problem...they want to make sure people around them know that they are something in the brains department, though I'm sure it does nothing but irritate most people.

My feminist complex...is all about boys, really...and sometimes it hits girls in the face too.  It's absolutely imperative that any valuable boy in my vicinity should know that I'm super smart and probably smarter than him.  He should know that I can kick ass at racquetball and table tennis...that I am a seasoned swimmer and tennis player...that I'm not shy or waiting around to be laughed at or tricked or used like so many other girls...and I feel the need to congest the air with this information...somehow.  I can often be critical of girls who are too mush...or who go with the flow.  I have a chip on the shoulder, basically...ashamed of my gender.  

My beauty complex is probably the one I handle the best.  I do genuinely appreciate other pretty girls and I guess I grew up relying more on my brains and disregarding my looks other than when people mentioned them...and even then I never spent much time thinking about it until I realized it was a ticket to many great things - namely - attention, admiration, and opportunity!  Plus I've always liked style and fashion though it almost never had anything to do with beauty or boys or even other girls.  That may sound strange but when I say that...what I mean is...I could see a model in a magazine in a gorgeous pantsuit and a strange hat on...with remarkable shoes...and I'd swoon for an hour staring at her...wanting to be in those clothes...without at all thinking about anyone else seeing me in them or desiring me.  In fact, many times the clothing is boyish and I even prefer the idea of being facially bland.  Just my own self image at being slick, sharp, apathetic and lean...had appealed to me on a very instinctive level.  I wanted to be a haughty panther...not the obsession of boys at school.  

Now, however, I examine the beauty complex and I find it a bit twisted.  Do I need to be told I'm beautiful?  Can I accept that we all get older and we won't always be so beautiful (even if we are now)?  When a boy doesn't keep sneaking looks at me or keep his eyes attuned to my laugh...does that mean I'm nothing special?  How small does my waist look in this outfit?  If it looks a bit thicker, is that why nobody is transfixed on my beauty?  Though I try to make friends with girls who are pretty...do I secretly want them to envy/despise me for being prettier?  How much of my time/energy is wasted just focusing on how others are reacting to my face...rather than my personality (errr...which is often solely based on complex numbers 1 and 2)?  Am I losing a lot of fun time and connectivity with others by dwelling on these things?  Probably so.  

I'm on a mission to fix them all.  Wish me luck!

Current Mood: contemplative

I got a burn on the knuckle of my middle finger on the right hand.  From when I was throwing french fries in the oil.  Yeah...same old, same ole.  You wouldn't believe the nasty binges.  I think you can lose weight with bulimia if you use only water or diet soda as your liquid of choice.  

I'm a bit tired of myself.  I don't think I've been any good in social situations of late.  And I hate being the sort to gab even when I have nothing to say.  It looks pathetic and you never say the right thing. 

I've been listening to a lot of old Genesis music.  

And here are my most recent pictures for those who want a little look-see.  

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=213427688&albumId=0

I'm back in Pakistan.  

I had a blast in the US for the month I was there.  I was spoiled...having way too much fun.  Austin is one of the best places on the planet.  All about the Warehouse district.  
I found out it's the 3rd most educated city in the country...and it shows.  The quality of the people is delicious.  Boys don't just try to dry hump your butt in an effort to get to know you...they actually make eye contact, charmingly smile or raise an eyebrow followed by a clever sharp comment.

I ended up blowing approx. 8K in one month of shopping.  A couple friends tried to tell me that I need a reality check and that I'm not Paris Hilton...I acknowledged all that, but everywhere I turned there were items which had to be had.  I think BCBG took the biggest chunk...approx. 2K.  Shopping is really good for weight loss, but you have to pace yourself and carry all your bags yourself.  

Today I've been binging on french fries draped in a homemade tomato mango meat sauce...washed down with amazing virgin pina coladas.  Thank goodness I brought cream of coconut with me.    I also fried some expensive rice paper since I don't know how to use it anyway.  Moronic.

Current Music: Shut Up and Drive

I've spent about 3K on clothes shopping in one week.  That's right, I'm back in the US and I can't resist a thing.  I was at Macy's and to my surprise, even size 4 was too big so I asked the saleslady if their clothing runs a bit big and she said it didn't.  I didn't believe her until I had the same experience in Banana Republic and BCBG.  I'm officially a size 2/4 but I can't fit into a size 28 Guess jeans.  wtf?  

Prozac combined with a busy shopping schedule have really kept me away from beepeeing, but last night after a club outting...I ate some chicken quesadillas, heartily dipping them in an olive oil with parsley dressing.  When I got home, despite being dead tired, I binged on a big box of Pepperidge Farm assorted cookies and then puked it up along with the meal.  I was half conscious through all this.  I almost thought i dreamt it when I woke up...but no cigar - this time it wasn't a food nightmare.  My cousin told me that I should put on some weight...I rolled my eyes at him and insisted that I do have an ass, that I do have a waist, and that I admit to not having boobies anymore.  He believes I have none of the aforementioned.  He also mentioned that he never met a guy who said "that model is hot".  He said most guys don't care about models...they want a girl with curves.  Pshhh...whatever.  I don't care what guys want at this point.  

Thin is not really just about guys...it's about how our entire society perceives thin. Thin is to be self-disciplined.  It is to be refined, polished, sophisticated, in control...enchanting, free, agile, sharp-minded.  It's what it denotes that is most seductive.  The image.  The thin perfectionista.  This carefree girl with wisps of hair blowing across her face is never a fatty.  is never thick.  is never bottom heavy with a wobble in her thighs.

I'm playing Sudoku in honor of Miss Japan's win of the Universe title.  She appears quite thin but her face is so rounded that I don't find any charm in it.  I do frown on chubby faces and rounded chins, despite the fact that the person can't do much about it.  

I've been eating baby apricots and small peaches since yesterday.  They were out of watermelon at the shop.  I'm maintaining at 127 but I really want to drop these 7 lbs...but I guess I'm just not motivated enough.  

We casually dined with another couple the day before yesterday and the girl's husband insists I eat more - even though his wife has eaten less than me.  At times like this, I curse myself for eating things at a semi-bulimic speed.  You know, it's said that we bulimics eat/chew at 4 times the speed of normal people...even when we're just eating a normal meal?  So then I say I'm quite full - big lie.  And then he says "is it a calorie-conscious sort of thing?" and I frowned and replied "No, I already ate before we got here"  Fuck face.  

I think bulimia has contributed a lot to my declining vision and eye stress. 

I have a distended belly right now.  Feels bad.  I wanna do  something about it but I can't.  Faux pas (aka Sharlit) and I have made a pact that we will neither binge nor purge for the rest of May and we are accountable to one another in this way.  I have had almost an entire 6 lb watermelon along with 3 handfuls of peanuts.  I feel so tempted to just get it out but I know what comes after that and it's just not worth it.  What's the point of making pacts if you can just break them like that? So I'll suffer through it and stay devoted to the cause.

I've also noticed that my digestion is not so great.  Food tends to sit around in my tummy for extended periods of time and even watermelon comes out in my stool.  I've read that I should chew my food longer to help.  

I played tennis yesterday but I felt nervous playing against two men I didn't know. I hate that I was nervous because I don't like it when girls are intimidated by men, but the culture here makes me pretty uneasy with how I'm potentially viewed.  I'm in a place where many people would call me vulgar for playing tennis out there in the company of males.  

I haven't weighed myself for a couple weeks...the number, whatever it is, would just gyrate me.  I do look in the mirror several times in the morning...I hope even that will stop one day.

The prozac is helping.  60 mg a day is good.  I don't think I'm as determined to hate bulimia as I used to be and that's why it's not working as well.  I'm too satisfied, which I have little right to be.  I still have a beepee at least daily, if not twice.  But never more than twice...so thank goodness for that.  I need to get more dedicated to my health - not just thinness.  

I met a really pretty girl today.  It was strange...despite her being 5' 2 or 5' 3...I still didn't think much about her negative feature but focused more on the delicate perfection of her physique and her face.  I'm always so fascinated with gorgeously feminine girls.  Not sure why.  Latent lesbianism with a pinch of single white female?  What's been taking me by storm recently is how much these pretty girls look at me.  I don't know what facial expressions to make to appear cool, radiant, and captivating...sometimes I'll try to take on an Angelina Jolie-esque demeanor and stick with it so at least I know what I'm pretending to give off.  Otherwise, I'm feeling awkward, gawky, and as if every insecurity can be read across my face.  The only thing I fear is that they'll stop glancing at me as if they've had enough.  Creepy much?  Some women have expressed that they are under the belief that men must be tripping over themselves when they see me...well, honey, they don't. 

So I've been gorging on watermelons lately.  I try not to puke them up and most of the time I'm successful unless I eat something else with it...then it all just gets messy but I'll say one thing for watermelon...they are a pleasure to puke if you have to puke at all.  And the color is a real pick-me-up.  

A particular woman has been begging to know what I eat and to help her.  Hypocrite much?   I made a calorie list for her...so she knows how many calories are in everything.  I told her not to starve herself.  Who am I to tell anyone anything? 

The first time I heard the word "heifer" it sounded extremely degrading and vulgar.  It still does.  

I am disgusting.  I just ate two Nutrageous bars...told myself I'd keep them down and then 30 minutes later filled a large teacup with almonds, 2 Tablespoons of sugar, and draped them in Hershey's chocolate syrup.  Spooned the nasty shit right up, swigging a small glass bottle of pepsi cola to wash it down.  All with my tight white bandage wrapped around  my chest for support - knowing the end to this won't be pretty.  

I look down at my body and I see rolls and flab and a spreadability that would make even room temperature butter jealous.  It's sick...and I don't think there is a solution.  Nobody tells us what to do if our bodies really are horrific.  I hate looking at it.  I hate lathering it with soap.  The only helpful mitigation might be to avoid visual contact with my body.  

Is it wrong that I want that Sanjaya boy (American Idol) to keel over and die from a concussion?  

I don't have anything original to say.  I'm out.

I didn't know this could happen.  This is new.  Fresh.  

I was purging some typical crap 3 days ago...and while I was hunched over purging, I tore a muscle in the right side of my chest...right at the upper breast area.  It feels like a slice between the front of my chest and the back.  Breathing hurts now, laying down hurts...and bulimia is almost impossible right now but I still try.  

I went to the doctor yesterday and she said "You need to eat - take care of your health".  I am not scary thin so I said "I eat sooo much, what do you mean?".  She responded "No, I don't think so.  Your BP is low...eat some eggs or meat"  It was 100/70.  

Maybe it's all finally catching up with me.

Buttery flatbread, cream cake, mango ice cream, 3 cream rolls, chicken biryani.  diet pepsi.

All coming up soon.  I don't feel like bringing it up but it has to come up.  Fat is worse than 5 minutes of purging pain.  Strangely, on prozac, even purging seems more unappealing and disgusting.  It's harder to get yourself  in the bathroom.  

I saw a girl with such perfect nails yesterday.  It surprised me to see how nice they look.  Natural, of course...but some horrible part of me didn't allow me to ask her how she keeps them so nice.  Mine were lightly stained with turmeric and uneven in growth from nail to nail.

I never lose weight on bulimia...but I can't seem to stay calm and relaxed if I haven't engaged in my binge and purge.  What to do.

I've taken phentermine and prozac this morning.  It's the one surefire way to keep from binging.  I don't use phentermine very often because the dosage is high and it takes so much mental energy to handle all the speed in the body.  The prozac is making a difference...it is killing the pleasure of my binges and making the purge seem even more disgusting...but it's not altogether stopping the act.  

I've planned a trip to Morocco to meet up with mother and sister in July.  I'm at 129 lbs...and I'd like  to be at 120 by then.  I'll take it slow.  I'm very excited because I am going to do a surf camp while I'm  there...nothing could be more badass than surfing waves.  If anyone is interested in the camp info...it's very affordable, esp. for those of you in the UK/Europe.  Trips are dirt cheap.  Think of it as paying for a vacation away from bulimia.

I've been keeping up with American Idol for the first time ever...so feel free to comment about it.  

I have a really bad personality trait that I'm trying to fix.  I have this habit of saying exactly what I think...regardless of how it could be hurtful to another person.  If I think someone is ugly, for some reason I have a problem just shutting up about it...or just because I don't like short height, I feel the need to announce that being short must be such an awful experience.  I need to learn to zip it up...nobody has said anything, but I don't like being negative about other people...I think it reflects that something is wrong with me on the inside...

Am I just trying to get others to pay attention to all the good things about me?  Is that why I have to say shortness is bad...round/chubby faces are bad...stocky builds are bad...fat fingers are bad...what's my problem?  

Here, I'm going to list the things I know are bad/weird/possibly unlikeable on me so I can just get it all out with some honesty:

1.  I have a gummy smile:  I didn't realize this until someone took my pic when I was 21...my gums totally reach out and say hello when I smile very sincerely.

2.  My teeth are not perfectly white:  this is almost an understatement.

3.  My skin is not taut:  Weight gain and weight loss have loosened my skin.

4.  My boobies have a droop:  They are not awful but they are nowhere near my fantasy of being perfect.

5.  My knees have an inner pudge:  They are bony on the caps, but there's an inner fat pudge on both, but this one starts to get into the foggy waters of my ED.

6.  Arms are flabby:  if I press my arms against my side, they spread like mayo.

7.  Some days my nose flares up and looks like a puffball...and the bridge is a bit too wide.

8.  My shoe size is 9 to 9.5:  Not exactly dainty, but thankfully not too wide.

I just got back from one of the most naturally beautiful and secluded ski areas in the world.  It was really something dangerous and something special...exotic.  In the air, I flew past Nangaparbat - the 3rd tallest mountain in the world located in the Himalayan Range.  Snow-capped delights in every direction.  

Skiing really takes a lot out of you...I didn't restrict or purge for 3 days straight...and I was pretty happy.  Then it started up again...I would glance in the mirror in the hotel room to see myself from the side and to examine my thighs.  I was expecting to see a drastic difference but there was none...so it got me going again.  It's so no-win.  I measured my waist today and it reads 26 inches...but I feel so confused because my thighs look thicker than ever in the mirror and my shape is totally distorted...totally pear and even my ass looks shitty to me in a way I had never seen before.  I have not weighed in yet.   Oh, and it didn't help that the ski suit I had to wear was two sizes too big...made me feel like a mad cow eggplant or something.  Yes, it was purple.  

I've been overdosing on oily rice and oreos and doughnuts since getting back yesterday.  I've been using paper to purge a lot lately.  Actually, sheets of old Newsweek and Time magazines.  I tear a couple sheets and roll them cylindrically...then shove a narrow end down my throat....and it slides right down after a tiny bit of wetting.  Brings everything right up in a jiffy.

I'm watching Discovery and there's a program called Deadly Women.  Mostly clever entreprenurial women who killed to turn a profit.  There was a group of about eight women in Liverpool who bought insurance on everyone they knew...and four of them would carry out the murders and collect.  Another women in CT was cleverly the pioneer of the nursing home...and would collect a large amount from relatives right away...and then she'd steadily feed them arsenic to keep her business booming.  Her name was Amy Archer.  The leader of the Liverpool group was a Catherine Flannagan.  In Indiana, we have Belle Gunness...she even killed her kids, after killing men who thought they were going to marry her.  Then she'd throw their bodies into a pig's trough.  Strychnine was her poison.  All big churchgoers.

I've binged insanely today...mostly because I'm alone here.  No distractions, no disruptions.  Hoping I'll be good tomorrow.  On the nice side, I drank a nice non-alcoholic ale with Thai Sriracha sauce and some lemon juice...and it was DELICIOUS.  The beer had the nice bitterness...and the sauce had the spicy salty touch.  mmm.

I have a ski trip planned for the 15th at Gilgit...an important city in the Silk Route and in the Karkoram mountains, tied next to the Himalayas.  I'm stoked.  I hope it will throw off this binge cycle.

I really love this cartoon - Foster's House of Imaginary Friends.  The music alone drives me wild.  I love it.

Thinking about binging right now already makes me want to puke...but I think I might go have at it one more time.  Even though I already feel like a rotund stuffed animal.

There is so much to say about the dinner I was forced into last night, but I won't.  Let me give you the highlights.  I felt like a stuffed pig but I managed to convince myself I am pretty enough to enjoy the outting.  It was not as miserable as I thought it would be...especially since I had green tea before going and therefore was not wrestling with the idea of stuffing my face too much.  

Ok.  So there was this plump girl there...she has a cute face...and she'd lost some weight since the last time I saw her.  I'm refusing to eat the dinner buffet - despite the number of people who come up and ask me why I'm not eating.  I just lied and said I already had dinner.  So this girl is pressuring me to eat and she asks if I'm dieting...and instead of feeling annoyed, I stop pretending and I answer "I've gained a bit of weight" and she says "no, you look fine...how much are you?" and instead of getting defensive and staring at the person as if they lost their mind...I give my new friend a forthright and dangerous answer - the truth - even if my heart told me to lower the number a bit.  

I said "I'm 130".  She responds "oh yes, that is too much you should reduce".  Now some of you might be thinking that she was being sarcastic...but she wasn't.  Plumpie, as I'll call her from here on out,  said this in between thick bites of sausage with a vigorous nod.  I just couldn't believe my ears.  I mumble that I'm 5' 7, not 5' 5 like her...but I think my voice just drifted off.  I binged when I got home.  On a slice of steamed chicken, 10 egg rolls, fusilli pasta wth thousand island dressing and butter melted on...boiled potatoes with cream cheese and parmesan, and about 20 oreo cookies.  Oh and 4 glasses of my homemade vanilla shake. 

Now, despite not wanting to go...I have another function to attend in just one hour from now.  Yes, at 10:30 am...with all these same women.  I have to watch some dancing and that silly fashion show catwalk I mentioned a month or so back.  If I don't eat again...they'll surely assume I'm a weirdo.  I'm miserable when I eat publicly.  It's never enjoyable and there's almost no way to get to a toilet in time.

This morning I had a bowl of porridge...which I loved.  Added some ginger, cinnamon, and nutmeg to it.  yum.  

I want to be healthy.  I do, I surely do.  But it seems I want to be a fatass, too.  

My homage  to Dr. Seuss.

Yesterday there was a beepee but I'm going to pretend it didn't happen.

So...I ate Ginger Tuna earlier. and now I've just had some crazy delicious green cabbage!  Someone asked how can I eat cabbage.  Well, other than the smells my body emits...I'm a pretty big fan of root veggies.  The meal was really something so I'm going to recommend it to everyone who wants to lay off a binge for a few hours or so.

Shred some cabbage by hand.  Steam it for 5 full minutes.  Throw into bowl with vinegar of choice, salt to taste, black pepper...and be generous with some red pepper flakes!  So healthy and strangely delicious.  I drank a cup of Sprite with mine.  Bad, I know.  

So...there's an official dinner I'm obligated to attend tomorrow evening...I hate when I suddenly learn about a dinner.  Maybe I'm anal and weird but I always like plans made a week in advance or a minimum of two days.  If you have a Seinfeldish relationship with some friends, then that's fine...they can do the popover anytime they want...I've had friends like that.  But if it's formal occasions or someone is inviting you to dinner...I think it's in very poor form to invite/pressure someone for a same day dinner...is that odd?  The people around here see nothing wrong with it.  I guess the idea is that people won't remember the event if you invite them too far ahead of time?

I really like Dexter's Lab.

I have started today nicely.  Breakfast was a small head of red cabbage in apple cider vinegar, with salt and pepper and a tablespoon of parmesan.  200 calories.

I've taken a 15 minute walk.  I'm starting to feel some power over myself again.  I think it helped me to see the number 131 on the scale.  Only 6 lbs to the short term goal...which I want to achieve by March 15.  

"you don't  sweat much...for a fat lass" - Robbie Williams lyrics from Rudebox   I think that's vulgar.

A lot of girls love real girl thinspiration...but for some reason I hate it.  I can only use models as thinspiration...real girls generally look too plain.

I was reading a bit about this Jessica Weiner person who has gotten some publicity for writing A Hungry Girl and she's apparently making waves despite looking like a huge cow.  I respect her choices and strength if she's truly over her ED.  She definitely makes good points when she says that we live in a society that only talks the Language of Fat.  It's harsh and so true.

Most of  the day was a vacation from the B word.   I took in 2 carrots in the morning...then I ate another carrot and some bread and meat at 3...went for a 40 minute walk...and then a few hours later it all came crumbling down.  I'll let you know when I see the scale move.

So...I've  made a Safe Foods List:

*V8 juice  (homemade)  
*hard boiled egg with cumin, pepper, salt  70 cal.
*Cabbage or Eggplant with some spices.  (22 calories per cup...i could even eat them raw!)
*Carrots at 50 calories per cup.
*Water-based soup
*Oatmeal


because I'm emotionally 5 years old when it comes to food and I need a safe foods list.  Anyway; you can borrow from the ideas if you like.

Here is the new form I've made for those of us in Restriction...copy it, paste it, fill it out, and post it.

1.  How's it going so far?:
2.  Do you keep your short term goal number in mind throughout the day or do you try to keep your thoughts busy with other things?:
3.  What do you think life will be like at your goal weight? i.e. what will change?
4.  What's your favorite healthy foods?:
5.  Do you consider yourself  to be naturally prettier than most girls or average or uglier?:
6.  Do you have any cooking skills?:  
7.  What does your waist measure in inches (smallest part of your waist above belly button)?:

good luck!

For those in the know...I've been waiting and wanting to get serious.  Today I consumed astounding amounts of oats for oatmeal mixed with chocolate shake...yep, slurped it all up and had it with some huge meatballs in tomato sauce.  That's enough.  So I've just consumed two medium carrots and they chronicle the change.

For my restriction buddies...here is my form (and feel free to fill it out as well):

1. Height:   5' 7
2. Weight:  132 lbs
3. Disorder: 100% bulimic

4. Short term goal:  125
5. Long term goal:  recently changed to 110

6. How long will it take to reach your short term goal if you stay focused?:  March 15

7. What is your biggest vulnerability that messes you up?:   Thinking about food or cooking food or entering a kitchen at all or watching cooking shows.  My mind melts into butter...literally.  I have to fight emotional fluctuations which make me feel like food will make everything better for awhile.

8. What’s your favorite kind of thinspiration?:  love photos of seemingly clever sassy girls who are too thin to worry about their weight, but not sickly thin.  love photos of girls who are super fashionable and in pantsuits.

9. What are other goals you have? Exercise? Mental health?:  Definitely need some exercise in my life.  Walks.  Push ups.  I want some mental stability and joy in my life.  I want to start appreciating others around me and feeling more positive towards others and less cynical.

10. What are you going to be eating as you try to trim down?:   Veggies, soups, water, and chicken and fish once in awhile.

Good luck!

76% of the day I was fine.  Not fine but...feeling out of it and enjoying that feeling.  Spacey...but not in a hurry to find myself.  I was aware of one thing at the back of my mind during all this - I wasn't feeling the urge.  

So...the latter part of the day has happened.  I've purged thrice.  On the first purge I let the food sit in my tummy for 3 hours...is that madness or what.

Now here I am...once again vowing to stop.  I think I'm getting closer each day.  Ya know...to hitting rock bottom so I can start going up.  Problem is...each time I hit bottom and start going up...I feel like a streetfighter  with my bloodied fists and broken jaw...and as soon as I get up to my elbows and my knees...I get kicked in the stomach and again I'm flattened.

I've got 5 web pages opened to pro anorexia sites for thinspiration and what not...with two other browsers opening pages such as Auntie Pearl's Pantry of delectable chocolate brownies and other flavors.  What's a nice girl like me doing looking up how to make brownies?  hm?  Unfortunately, these concurrently diametrically opposed websites which might have once seemed poetic to me now only seem putridly dull and hopeless.  If I were to catch an insight into my own life, I'd sneeze and walk away in haste.  

I don't know how many times I'll say this...ha!  I'm going the route of restriction.  I want to weigh 115 lbs...and there's only one way to get there...so here we go.  No more excuses!!!  I will think about the scale all damn day and I will maintain focus...or curl up in a bed if I want to eat.  The most important thing in the world will be seeing the scale go down.  

Good luck me.